How To Survive A Zombie Attack (Spoof)

You’ve heard the old saying, “You are what you eat.” Well, when it comes to zombies, the new saying is “You are what has eaten you.” 

So to keep from being eaten by a zombie and becoming one of the walking dead yourself, here’s a proven survival strategy: 

• A little-known fact about zombies is that they don’t like organic broccoli (zombies hate organic foods) or Aesclepias Speciosa, a variety of milk weed found throughout the Rocky Mountains and other parts of the country. 
• Evidence collected by the Zombie Research Center indicates that even just the smell of cooked organic broccoli will turn a zombie’s stomach. And, trust me, you don't want to see what's been in a zombie's stomach. 
• The white sap of the young Asclepias milkweed causes zombies to begin to disintegrate on the spot, leaving behind what looks a lot like seagull poop. If you are seeing a lot of seagull poop in your area, and you don't live near a seashore, suspect zombie activity.
• So, the best passive method of preventing zombies from attacking you and gnawing off your face is to eat organic broccoli for every meal (small amounts will do, and the broccoli farmers will thank you), and for dessert munch on some boiled young pods from the Aesclepias Speciosa milkweed plant. 

Following this strategy will make you into an unappetizing meal for zombies.